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Mum who's addicted to all drugs and drink

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31st Oct 2011

since birth i have watched my mum abuse her body with drink and drugs. now 19 and I'm about to break down. the amount of times i have watched her on her death bed is uncountable. The number of nights i don't sleep worrying if she is going to overdose and die during the night. i can't remember the day when she wasn't off her face on drink and drugs. I just remember the countless times i have watch her thinking fuck what if.... Now her time is coming to an end and she is constantly in and out of hospital for her chronic asthma, liver, kidneys, overdosing yet it only gets harder. She's killing herself in the slowest way ever which is killing her children as well. The other night i was having an emotionally time when i found out she had yet again overdosed on heroine and she had stopped breathing and i decided to write her a letter: Dear Mum, I am writing you this letter because I cannot carry on with this pain I have tried to hold in for so long. You can either read it or you can throw it in the bin. However, at the end of the day if you don’t read it you won’t know what I am doing from now on and why. I have tried to tell you that you are slowly killing yourself by what you are doing and that you need to stop; if not for yourself then for your kids. Every day I wake up and think is this going to be the last day in which you are here! The last couple of weeks that I have spoken to you, you have just been more out of it and then you end up in hospital from over dosing. There is only so much I can do and say to help you but you need to help yourself. You say you’re not doing drugs anymore but I know for a fact that is a lie as it was not long ago that you over dosed on heroine. I try to keep my feelings to myself and put a smile on everyday but it is affecting my health, physically and mentally and I cannot do it anymore. I try and think of the good times we have had together where you haven’t been out of it but there are only about 3 times. I think from here on, it will be best if we communicate via letters like we used to because for once in my life I need to put myself first otherwise I will end up in a very dark corner and I will not allow that to happen. I will send spare envelopes and stamps and if you choose not to write then we will not communicate. I will always have my bracelet on which you gave me so you will never be forgotten. This may sound harsh but it needs to be done as much as it is going to break my heart not to speak to you, it is breaking my heart speaking to you when you’re out of it! Below is a poem of how I feel; The words that have yet been spoken the things I need to say. To voice what's within my heart I just can't find a way. I've fought with my emotions I've held them deep inside. I didn't want to face what for so long you've tried to hide. I've been lost within the dark for so long I've seen no light. Holding on to the memory of a time when things were right. I've looked upon your face and seen the sadness in your eyes. The battle of addiction you no longer can disguise. I've prayed to find the answers of what I myself must do. And I've prayed for the strength to fight through the hell that I go through. I've held on for so long but I can no longer watch you die. I cannot fight this for you but lords knows how I've tried. It's just so hard to watch the ones you love slowly slip away. That's why I just blocked it out and held on to yesterday. I don't have all the answers or the power to save your soul. Your broken, lost and lonely and I cannot make you whole. This fight is yours and yours alone no matter what I do. For I cannot save you the only one who can is you. i carried on this letter which was about 3 pages long. A couple of days later i still hadn't sent this letter. i was thinking why haven't i sent it and i realised i was scared of her overdosing because of me! i think its better for me to be heart broken and to live with the pain than to feel the guilt of her od!

Tags: heroin Alcohol Addiction worried about someone
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