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Drugs will ruin your life eventually

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01st Jan 2012

My life for the past four years has been one long cycle of pain, fear, isolation and dread. As I am 17 and addicted to heroin, I feel as though I have nothing left in my life and nothing to live for. And it really didn't need to be this way. When I was 13 I started sniffing aerosols and glue from time to time, simply because I was really bored. The high wasn't even that great, I think I mostly liked the rush I got from the fear I had when I had just sniffed the stuff. I knew that solvents were possibly the worst thing to be doing and that I was really playing when fire. Thankfully, it never became much of a problem for me, and I still got really good grades in school. But the fact that I thought I could handle drugs and still do well in life would become a problem for me in later years. When I was 15, I went on a French exchange and all the teenagers there smoked hash. I tried some, but I certainly wasn't blown away by it. When I got home from France I became fascinated with drugs and went out of my way to try new drugs. I live in a small town where there aren't many drugs, so I resorted to over-the-counter painkillers that contained codeine. When all of my friends started going to pubs and nightclubs, they drank, but I, knowing that I wouldn't be able to hide the smell of drink from my mother, took codeine instead. I often had blackouts, sometimes I took it during the day and I took up to 14 pills in one night. To intensify the effects, I began snorting it, but I eventually got bored of that too. At 16, I was buying head shop stimulants like SnowBlow and Gogaine, which I snorted on nights out with my friends. Each time I got way too intoxicated, embarrassed myself in front of everyone, went off with random guys and said insulting and racist things to people I didn't even know. The bouncers wouldn't let me into the nightclub anymore because I was so high all the time. I also messed up the cartilage in my nose, which hasn't healed yet. A year later, I was sexually assaulted by a relative, and I didn't tell anyone because I was so ashamed. By this point I was already seeing a counsellor, but I couldn't speak to her about the drugs or the assault because I knew she would tell my parents. I started sniffing aerosols again, by myself. One day, I sniffed an aerosol and my heart started beating so fast and so loudly I thought I was going to die. I promised myself that I'd never do it again. But I did it again, and eventually it became an everyday habit. Obsessed with drugs, I read a book about the life of a heroin addict and I swore I would never take heroin. But at night, I started dreaming about heroin, and I even felt a sort of euphoria in my sleep. I became curious about heroin. I did a bit of research and figured that I wouldn't get addicted from trying it once. So I got the train to the city and walked to an area where I knew I could score heroin. I bought my first bag, brought it home and snorted it and was a bit disappointed with the effects. The second time I tried it, I liked it a little more. I decided I would be an occasional user, using every few months but never getting addicted. I'm in my final year in school now and as I was working very hard, I decided to reward myself with a bit of heroin for the Christmas holidays. I wanted to smoke a whole bag in one day, but I had to sample a tiny bit of it first. I tried some more the next day, and I liked it a lot more. Eventually I was smoking twice or three times a day, once to get rid of my withdrawals in the morning, just before I went to bed and sometimes in school. Now it's been four weeks since I opened that bag and I'm going through withdrawals; nausea, diarrhea, headaches, mood swings. Because I don't have drugs, I don't socialise anymore. I stay at home by myself when all my friends are out. I can't stop thinking about heroin. I'm more depressed now than I ever was. Legal, illegal or prescription... Drugs always get you if you don't stop using them.

Tags: heroin legal highs Addiction
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